the past hurts as much as the present
by jantolove gwenhate doctorlove
Summary: my take on iantos thoughts some time after cyberwoman but before small worlds WARNING CHILD ABUSE METIONED ,DEPRESSION,ALCOHOL ABUSE,SWEARING.


Ianto lay in his bed alone again, thinking how much he misses Lisa it's been so long since he held someone at night so long, he misses the sound of her voice just distant memories now that's all they can ever be now his beautiful Lisa, forever locked in torchwood, trapped in a monsters body.

He sat they just thinking about Lisa , they first kiss at a Christmas party when she just grabbed him and kissed him and all he could do after was stand they lips parted eyes closed in disbelief that that had happened until someone shouted "wait a go man " and he snapped out of it or they first date when he took her to this little Italian café 15 mile away from his house it was way worth it to see the look on her face when he took her by the hand inside and it was just them with the lights dimmed down and candles lit everywhere she was speechless even he was shocked, he'd just asked his friend Samuel who owned the restaurant to make it romantic he really was a great guy, but like most the people he knew from London, he was dead.

He feels so empty sometimes, like just blinking is too much, but he carries on. the others sometimes still ignore him or give him looks of distrust and he doesn't blame them, he wishes jack had of killed him sometimes then he thinks of what Lisa would want for him and is glad he's alive, then just as soon as that, he remembers she dead and not coming back ever again. He'll never be able to tease her for worrying that when he goes out drinking, he's going to get to drunk and decide driving's a good way home and get arrested or worse .he's never going to be able to come home after a stressful day, and just unwind and watch TV, snuggled up under that blanket she gave him for their first Christmas together. Time feels like such a blur now, if asked he wouldn't know if it was 300 hundred years ago that lisa died, or 5 minutes ago since she died .at torchwood he hides all this behind his mask it feel as though it takes all his energy to do this and he feels as though hes running on empty and has been for a millennia, it takes so much to live without her , but this isn't living this is just hurt and pain, it feels as though disaster follows him around always has done.

When he was 8 his mum and sister left, on Wednesday 22nd 1989, he only wishes he had been better behaved so they hadn't left him with his dad ,on his own. He still remembers the first time his dad hit him, it was the Friday after they had left his dad got drunk, came into his room and slurred " ifts thou thoult fou lithle thucker "he had innocently said back "what "while he was trying to think what he might have done to make his taddy upset he didn't like it when his taddy was sad, his taddy said "ifts thou thoult fey thuckin levt "getting worried little Ianto had replied "I'm sorry taddy I didn't mean to be badill try phone them if you want "whilst trying to think what he had done to make them leave he was always good at school and mam was never really mad at him ,when his dad sort of shout slurred "no vou var ghona pay" he was really confused at this point and responded "what do you mean taddy " that's when his tad had undone his belt, getting even more confused as to why his tad had taken of his belt , and before he could react his tad had whipped him across the back ,hard enough to hurt but not enough to leave a physical mark,he had cried out and tears sprung to his eyes but his tad just whipped him harder.

It had only got worse from then on , it once got so bad that his dad purposefully pushed him to hard on the swing that he broke his leg,but even after that he didn't have enough courage to tell on him then and doesn't have enough courage to leave torchwood now because hes so scared of change and torchwood is the only thing he has left ,even if it is like his own personal hell where the only bareable things are coffee and files and the only consistent thing is pain ,constant pain.

**The end**

Authors notes: first fic ever please review improvements, good things just want to know who has read it. Also translation to drunken Ianto's tad is

" ifts four fult fou lithle thucker "= its your fault you little fucker

"ifts thou thoult fey thuckin levt "=its your fault they fucking left

"no vou var ghona pay"= no you are gonna pay


End file.
